Friday, November 20, 2009

Beerbrotha Movie Review: New Moon = FAIL

So the wife just came back from a trip to the Motherland on business. It's Date Night so we debate between the Saint Arnold Pub Crawl, and checking out a movie at Alamo Drafthouse. We're both a little tired, so Alamo it is. At first we were set to see the new Christmas Carol CGI movie and I get in my head that that movie New Moon will probably be pretty good.

Like Pokemon and The Chappelle Show, I came on this whole Twilight series very late, and just like those other two things, I figure that since it's amazingly popular it's worth a try. I was even thinking I could be drinking Blue Moon at New Moon. Get it? Not to mention the trailer had all kinds of special effects and vampire/werewolf whoop-ass. I'm thinking this will just be Underworld for a less goth crowd. And it had enough young hot half-naked men that I figured the wife may just get a fired up and we can come home and make sweet sweet love. Instead the wife is upstairs stone asleep, and I'm downstairs watching Strikeforce and drinking a bomber of Ruination straight out the bottle like a homeless man.

Well I should have skipped the beer and went straight to Everclear and Cocaine, because this was the WORST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN. I guess I should have noticed something was up, when my beloved "21 and up" Alamo Theatre was chock-full of 10-14 year old girls. I think I was the only son of a bitch in the whole theatre that ordered a beer. Those girls were hooting and hollering like we do at the strip club. That's not cool. Is nothing sacred?

And let's be clear, I'm not going to out-and-out dismiss a teeny-bopper chick flick b/c I'm a 29 year old 6' 2" 210 lb black man that loves watching random violence. Bring It On wasn't that bad. It had conflict-resolution, and kinda cute. I'm all over the Harry Potter. Hell, I like Grey's Anatomy (Izzy could get it).

It took all of 1 hour before there was any action at all in New Moon, and that was with the black Jamaican vampire with dreds getting jacked up by the werewolves. There was all of 15 minutes of action in a 2 hour movie. I had to sit there watching this flat-chested brooding-ass Wednesday Adam chick spending 80% of the movie crying over Cedric Diggery leaving her, or the Native American dude leaving her. It wasn't even a good love story. No flow to anything. No rhyme or reason. Just 90210 for douchebags. And what the hell was up with this Italy crap near the end? And what the hell happened to the smoking hot redhead vampire the werewolves were chasing? Can we learn more about her? What were her feelings, her needs? How could I help?

I was able to try the very nice Beck's Oktoberfest and the New Belgium 2 Deg Below. Both were fine. But in reality, I needed something with a kick to it, like heroine. And to think, sooner or later I'm going to have to see The Birth of Nation Part 2, also known as Precious.


Anonymous said...

Yeah, that was pretty much it. Like my girl said, they got right in the mind of the teenage white girl with this movie and growing up around white people my whole life I can see it all. No rhyme or reason, jacked up reasoning, falling in love for no reason that would make sense to anyone else. I didn't pay for it (2 fer you know) so I just watched it for what it was lol

Holla back

The American Don said...

Preach. I never saw something so stupid in my entire life, and I've watched BET.

Samantha Laury said...

i really enjoyed this movie, Kristen Stewart is the perfect "Bella" -- all around the character casting was great IMO